Rambling...

These days I am feeling pretty broken.  I can't seems to get things together.  I am thinking the change in my meds is a part of the problem.  I spent the day in bed today - one of my warning signs that I am falling back in to my deep depression again, but I can't seem to force myself to get up and moving.  I could have spent time today with my new boyfriend, he was going to come over before he went to work and I told him not to because I was too tired. I gave in to the depression.  I've been doing that a lot lately.  Just giving in. Giving up almost.  The blackness seems to get worst every day.  When I went to the hospital I felt hopeless. I felt like there was no way out. No future, nothing for me but the blackness.  I don't feel that way right now.  I still don't exactly see the future, but I know it is there.  I mean, I don't know what the future will hold necessarily, will I have kids, will I not, will I like my job, will I even have a job... I know that the Earth will keep moving and the stars will shine. Life will continue.  I know all this, I just don't quite know my place in all of it yet.

I'm 31.  I thought my life would be so different by now.  I thought by now I would be married and have kids, but, I don't.  Lots of my friends do, and I don't.  In fact the main thing I think I have learned in my 31 years on this planet is that you shouldn't make your life's dream something you cannot achieve alone.  My life's dream was to be a mother.  To have a family, to be a mom - all I ever wanted.  That is the hardest part of all of this right now, is the realization that the one thing I have wanted my whole life, will probably never happen.  The reason I say that is because I don't want to be one of those 40 year old women still holding out hope they may still have a baby and are desperate and just have sex with random men hoping to get pregnant.  I don't want to be desperate. I don't want to get into a relationship just to have a baby. If I do get into a serious relationship I want it to be because I am in love, and if we have kids I want it to be because we both want them, not because of desperation of anything like that.  The guy I am currently dating is a wonderful man.  He is very kind and sweet.  I don't know if I see things lasting long term, we have a few too many differences, but things right now are very good and he is helping deal with a lot of things and I hope I am helping him as well.  I honestly don't know If I am capable of long term relationships any more. 
well obviously - I posted about this already - so yeah - I think this is enough rambling for one night....  So goodnight all. <3