I love the Black Dagger Brotherhood books. They are the perfect mix of smutty sex, epic fighting, and cheesy romance. However lately I am not enjoying them as much as I used to. Since having my heart tore out of my chest I am finding it hard to believe any romance lasts. All romances end. They either end because of death or because one or sometimes both of the people in said relationship give up. It seems to me I am often the one in the relationship who wants to work on things and the other party just gives up and moves on. I get thrown aside very easily it seems or just replaced. Only once I felt I was in a "romance" type relationship. I was madly in love with a man and he promised me the world. Said he wanted me, needed me, loved me... and then one day he didn't. He said he didn't love me any longer and didn't want me in his future. I was totally removed and the easily replaced. After that - romance novels are more painful than pleasurable to read. Yet why do I keep reading them then? I have no idea. Perhaps I hope I will feel that way again sometime, or perhaps it is just a form of emotional cutting that I am using to make sure I always feel back because I can't make relationships work, or rather I couldn't make THAT relationship work.
Because that is really what this comes down to isn't it? That fact that I was madly in love with a man and he used me, lied to me, and then threw me away. It is very painful to be left behind. Even if the relationship wasn't right or wouldn't have worked, and who knows what would have happened if he had chosen to try to work on things instead of leaving - it is the knowledge that the one person you couldn't see your world continuing without is getting along perfectly fine without you. The knowledge that you were never special to them, or rather not special enough.
I always wonder - If I was more like the women in the books: prettier, thinner, having been obsessed with my career first rather than my friends or wanting a family - perhaps then I would have been a more attractive partner; easier to keep around and not replace. However questions like these are futile as no one can answer them because the situation will never exist. I am what I am. I still want a family and see working as second. I try to lose weight but it never seems to work for me, and honestly nothing hurts so much as your lover rejecting you with the words: "I don't find you attractive" That is the worst feeling in the world. All of the "if only I..." Fill your head and the answer I give myself is always the same - it wouldn't have worked no matter what. And I have to say that, because any other answer hurts too much. Not sure where I want this rambling to go, but I have said what I needed to say for the day and I think that is good enough.
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