The Blame Game

The other night I was talking to my new boyfriend and I was trying to explain to him something that I really can't explain...  I'll try to write it out here but I doubt it will make anymore sense on paper than it does in the spoken word or even in my head but here it goes.

I want someone to stand up for me to my ex.  I want someone to go to him and tell him in no uncertain terms that he acted like an asshole - that he used me, he mistreated me, he lead me on, he acted like a coward, and he gave up on our relationship. That even thought I wasn't perfect, that whatever I may have done wrong or however I may have failed in our relationship I deserved to be treated a hell of a lot better than he treated me. 

Now, do I think this will change anything - NO
Do I think he will believe the person who says these things - NO
Do I think this will make me feel better - NO

So why do I want this to happen? - I have no idea.

I just feel so beaten down by him.  I feel like such a victim.  I feel so used and abused emotionally by him right now.  So many of my friends are coming to me and saying:  he was such a jerk to you and you deserve better, but no one is telling him that - they are letting him off the hook without letting him know that HE was partially at fault - that HE did wrong too.  From what I heard though the grape vine basically people are telling him that it is ok to walk away because when "the spark" goes away (which is BULLSHIT! "the spark" waxes and wanes in all relationships - it takes work and communication and time together and then it comes back "the spark" was an excuse, and he just gave up and left and if we had talked about it and, you know, TRIED things would have worked.)

I guess this goes back to me blaming myself for everything, and I think I do that to a point because he never acting like he did anything wrong and never apologized or would admit guilt in anyway shape or form so I would just project it all on to me.  So perhaps I, just for once, wanted someone to tell him that - NO, he HAD to take some responsibility. That this time he had to admit that he fucked up and was not walking out of this break-up totally clean.

Now for all I know - this may have already happened, I doubt it - but who knows.  If it has happened or if someone does tell him, it isn't really my business, so I guess I will never know - but yeah.  That is what I wanted to write about tonight.  I hope this came across like I wanted it too - I don't want him to take 100% of the blame, I just want him to know that he is not free of the blame, that I am not 100% to blame, that part of our break up is his fault and that whether he admits to it or not, he has at least 50% of the blame, just like I do.