Well I finally have my computer back so I can finally resume my posting.  So my therapy is going fairly well.  The main thing I have learned is when it comes to my ex, for some reason I blame myself 100% for the relationship not working.  Now I'll never know for sure why that relationship failed, because who knows why any relationship fails really, but the reason he game me for it failing was that he stopped loving me.  Now had he had come to me right away when he noticed a change in his feelings, we could have worked on things. If there were other reason he why wanted out of the relationship, again if he had been honest with me we, could have worked on them as well, but since he never told me, it seems lack of communication on his part was what actually kill our relationship, or his lack of desire to make the relationship work. Basically he just didn't care.  Now, even if he had cared and done all these things, we still might have failed, so we'll never know what the future might have held, but anyway - the moral of this post is - whatever might have happened, I need to stop blaming myself for everything..

Now every other relationship I have had I have never taken 100% of the blame when it ended.  I have been able to be rational enough to know that when there are 2 people in a relationship, be it a romantic relationship or just a friendship, it is never only one person's fault.  For some reason though, when it come to him, I always take 100% of the blame.  I just can't get past it.  When it come to him, I feel like it is my fault and no matter what I do I will never be good enough for him. I feel like if I had tired harder, if I had lost weight, if I had been prettier, if I had found a way to be the perfect girl he wanted to show off he would have wanted to stay with me.  Even just reading that makes me see how ridiculous it sounds, but that is how I feel. Even my shrink looked and me and was all "Really?"  And I was all - yeah...  I know - it is absurd. I have no idea why I let him effect me this way.  I feel so silly even typing this out - but like the title of this blog is - no more lies, and it would be a lie if I said anything else - so for this week it is my goal to accept that, this break up was NOT ALL MY FAULT - He didn't want to work on things.  He gave up.  He walked out on me.  Those are things I couldn't control.  There for, not my fault.