one on one - day one

Today was my first meeting with my new therapist for my one-on-one counseling.  It went really well.  She is very easy to talk to and I felt really relaxed and I could easily tell her the truth.  I didn't even think twice about setting up my next appointment. We started off talking about what brought me into Forestview: the break up, the feelings of hopelessness, the emptiness, how I saw no future for myself, and how even though I no longer wanted to take my own life I am still having a rough time emotionally. After I told her my story she said considering all I had been through I was doing remarkably well.  She did point out something to me I found very interesting:  she said that of course I felt lost - the past 2 years of my life had been all about someone else's life, I had done nothing to further my life at all.  She said even within a relationship, when the relationship moves forward both people move forward but in that relationship I was focusing on his life, and doing nothing with mine. It had been all about him and his needs.  So having lost everything I worked for with him, being removed from the life I had put every thing into, of course I would feel lost and hopeless.  I had never though of it that way before, but the way she said it made sense.  Ever since my ex proposed to me, and said he wanted us to start our life together, everything I did was so for us, and or for him. I stopped doing things I wanted to do for me (going to school, looking for new jobs) because we might have had to leave at any time for his career, and his future.  I stopped looking for and working on my wants/needs. I lost myself, so - duh - of course I felt lost and worthless when everything was taken away. 

So now is the time I have to start figuring out again what I want and need.  It is time to do the whole - since he and I are over with, and I am not going to have "that" future - what future do I want to have - and then start to plan for that.  So this week my homework is to keep track of my "self talk" the things I say to myself throughout the day.  I am sure there will be lots of repeats on this list , but I am going to do it.  So that is where I am today.  Didn't get a lot accomplished because I have a annoying cough and I want to be healthy so I have spent to majority of the day in bed resting in hopes of making said cough go away. 

So that is all for this post - see you guys next time.