Trust

For the past few days I have been avoiding posting this - because I haven't been wanting to face these feelings... But the whole reason I started this blog was to face me feelings so - here we go.

I have trust issues

*well gee Aubrey, like 99.9% of adults have trust issues, why is this news that you have them too*

Well let me tell you a story,

When my ex and I got back together everything was about him.  We were working on getting him into the Air Force and I put my life on hold, I think I already covered this so we are going to skip to a conversation he and I had one night in his Grandmother's kitchen.  Said conversation started because I was acting very anxious.  He asked me why I was so anxious and I told him I didn't know. He basically said to look into his eyes and say the first thing that came to mind about why I was feeling so anxious, so I looked at him and said:  I'm afarid that after we do all of the work to get you into the Air Force you are going to break up with me and leave me behind.  Then he walk right infront of me, look into my eyes and said: "You have to trust me."  I began to cry. and he repeated several times, "You have to trust me"  and I did.  I push aside every fear and doubt and with my whole heart I trusted him.  After that night I never doubted that he would leave me. I knew we were going to be together and that he was never going to leave me.... until he did.  He broke his promise to me that he made that night when he told me to trust him. 

The side effect of this is now I am doubting a lot of other people too.  I don't want to do it nor do I mean to do it, but I am, and I hate it.  When I told my shrink this story she basically said - well no wonder you ended up in Forest view, you gave him your future and he promised to take of it and he threw it away.  He painted you this picture of everything and then gave you nothing and then made you feel like it was your fault his promises didn't come true.  And that is basically where I am now.  I have stopped blaming my self  100% for our relationship ending.  I know there were things I could have done differently, but there were things he needed to do as well, not all my fault.

So yeah, at the moment my ability to trust is way down, even on my friends who I have had for years.  It just hurts.  I am hoping to be able to over come this fast.