Rambling...

These days I am feeling pretty broken.  I can't seems to get things together.  I am thinking the change in my meds is a part of the problem.  I spent the day in bed today - one of my warning signs that I am falling back in to my deep depression again, but I can't seem to force myself to get up and moving.  I could have spent time today with my new boyfriend, he was going to come over before he went to work and I told him not to because I was too tired. I gave in to the depression.  I've been doing that a lot lately.  Just giving in. Giving up almost.  The blackness seems to get worst every day.  When I went to the hospital I felt hopeless. I felt like there was no way out. No future, nothing for me but the blackness.  I don't feel that way right now.  I still don't exactly see the future, but I know it is there.  I mean, I don't know what the future will hold necessarily, will I have kids, will I not, will I like my job, will I even have a job... I know that the Earth will keep moving and the stars will shine. Life will continue.  I know all this, I just don't quite know my place in all of it yet.

I'm 31.  I thought my life would be so different by now.  I thought by now I would be married and have kids, but, I don't.  Lots of my friends do, and I don't.  In fact the main thing I think I have learned in my 31 years on this planet is that you shouldn't make your life's dream something you cannot achieve alone.  My life's dream was to be a mother.  To have a family, to be a mom - all I ever wanted.  That is the hardest part of all of this right now, is the realization that the one thing I have wanted my whole life, will probably never happen.  The reason I say that is because I don't want to be one of those 40 year old women still holding out hope they may still have a baby and are desperate and just have sex with random men hoping to get pregnant.  I don't want to be desperate. I don't want to get into a relationship just to have a baby. If I do get into a serious relationship I want it to be because I am in love, and if we have kids I want it to be because we both want them, not because of desperation of anything like that.  The guy I am currently dating is a wonderful man.  He is very kind and sweet.  I don't know if I see things lasting long term, we have a few too many differences, but things right now are very good and he is helping deal with a lot of things and I hope I am helping him as well.  I honestly don't know If I am capable of long term relationships any more. 
well obviously - I posted about this already - so yeah - I think this is enough rambling for one night....  So goodnight all. <3

Name That Emotion

I've been on the verge of tears all day.  I have no idea why.  The way I describe my depression is it is like I am standing out side - the sun is shining and a wind is blowing but all I see is blackness.  I can feel the sun or the wind. I can only see the darkness coming in all around me.  That is how the past few days have been.  I don't know what is wrong. I feel very alone right now because I am not sure where I can turn. I have so many people who love me, but I have such a hard time knowing who to talk to.  Being friends with someone who suffers from depression is exhausting, and I don't want to wear down my friends by relying on them too much.

So today I have been trying to figure out why I am so sad.  I have tried all day to just figure out what is making me sad and I can't name it.  Which is making me more sad.  So I am just gonna go to bed.  Hopefully sleep and then speeding time with friends this weekend will pull me out of what ever emotional hole I have fallen into.

Trust

For the past few days I have been avoiding posting this - because I haven't been wanting to face these feelings... But the whole reason I started this blog was to face me feelings so - here we go.

I have trust issues

*well gee Aubrey, like 99.9% of adults have trust issues, why is this news that you have them too*

Well let me tell you a story,

When my ex and I got back together everything was about him.  We were working on getting him into the Air Force and I put my life on hold, I think I already covered this so we are going to skip to a conversation he and I had one night in his Grandmother's kitchen.  Said conversation started because I was acting very anxious.  He asked me why I was so anxious and I told him I didn't know. He basically said to look into his eyes and say the first thing that came to mind about why I was feeling so anxious, so I looked at him and said:  I'm afarid that after we do all of the work to get you into the Air Force you are going to break up with me and leave me behind.  Then he walk right infront of me, look into my eyes and said: "You have to trust me."  I began to cry. and he repeated several times, "You have to trust me"  and I did.  I push aside every fear and doubt and with my whole heart I trusted him.  After that night I never doubted that he would leave me. I knew we were going to be together and that he was never going to leave me.... until he did.  He broke his promise to me that he made that night when he told me to trust him. 

The side effect of this is now I am doubting a lot of other people too.  I don't want to do it nor do I mean to do it, but I am, and I hate it.  When I told my shrink this story she basically said - well no wonder you ended up in Forest view, you gave him your future and he promised to take of it and he threw it away.  He painted you this picture of everything and then gave you nothing and then made you feel like it was your fault his promises didn't come true.  And that is basically where I am now.  I have stopped blaming my self  100% for our relationship ending.  I know there were things I could have done differently, but there were things he needed to do as well, not all my fault.

So yeah, at the moment my ability to trust is way down, even on my friends who I have had for years.  It just hurts.  I am hoping to be able to over come this fast. 

missing...

Today I've realized I really miss being in love.  I don't so much miss the relationship I miss the feeling of being in love with someone.  That crazy, warm, safe, happy, butterflies all around... just love feeling you have when there is that special someone you can't get out of your heart and who is so deep under your skin. 

I miss feeling that deep connection with someone.  That feeling where you can almost read each other's minds.  Where you can both look at each other and just smirk and laugh about something that happened days, weeks, months, or even years ago.  I miss that connection.  The ability to laugh with someone, to cry, to do nothing. Now my new boyfriend is an amazing man.  He is very kind, and is always there for me.  He has held me while I cried and comforted me and made me laugh.  I really enjoy spending time with him, but we just don't have a deep connection yet and honestly with all the emotional scar tissue I have at the moment I am scared I will never be able to have that kind of connection again. 

So yeah - those are my thoughts for the day. Not sure exactly how to get past this issue. 

Vengence and anger

Today was rough.  I have been on the verge of tears all day and I couldn't figure out why.  I spent some time with one of my friends and he and I talked and I still couldn't figure it out.  Then I saw my new boyfriend and we went down to a park and sat and looked at a pond for a while and then I figured it out.  I have been carrying around a lot of anger and vengeful thoughts about my ex.  I have really been wanting him to hurt the way I have been hurting.  To me it seems he left our relationship pain free and I have just been so angry that I have been in so much pain while he has just gone on with his life.  Now, that is really unfair of me.  I have no now idea how he feels, I just can't imagine him being in an pain... because if he is feeling even a tenth of the pain I am in he never would have left me.  He would have wanted to work on things... but anyway - that is neither here nor there. 

So anyway - Once I realized how vengeful I was feeling I knew I really had to reevaluate some of my feelings, because when you are that angry at another person all you are doing is hurting yourself.  I want to forgive him, I really do.  Not for him, but for me.  I want to let go of all this anger and pain.  I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to just... let go.  All this pain and anger and regret, I just wish I wasn't in so much pain.  I have no idea.

The Blame Game

The other night I was talking to my new boyfriend and I was trying to explain to him something that I really can't explain...  I'll try to write it out here but I doubt it will make anymore sense on paper than it does in the spoken word or even in my head but here it goes.

I want someone to stand up for me to my ex.  I want someone to go to him and tell him in no uncertain terms that he acted like an asshole - that he used me, he mistreated me, he lead me on, he acted like a coward, and he gave up on our relationship. That even thought I wasn't perfect, that whatever I may have done wrong or however I may have failed in our relationship I deserved to be treated a hell of a lot better than he treated me. 

Now, do I think this will change anything - NO
Do I think he will believe the person who says these things - NO
Do I think this will make me feel better - NO

So why do I want this to happen? - I have no idea.

I just feel so beaten down by him.  I feel like such a victim.  I feel so used and abused emotionally by him right now.  So many of my friends are coming to me and saying:  he was such a jerk to you and you deserve better, but no one is telling him that - they are letting him off the hook without letting him know that HE was partially at fault - that HE did wrong too.  From what I heard though the grape vine basically people are telling him that it is ok to walk away because when "the spark" goes away (which is BULLSHIT! "the spark" waxes and wanes in all relationships - it takes work and communication and time together and then it comes back "the spark" was an excuse, and he just gave up and left and if we had talked about it and, you know, TRIED things would have worked.)

I guess this goes back to me blaming myself for everything, and I think I do that to a point because he never acting like he did anything wrong and never apologized or would admit guilt in anyway shape or form so I would just project it all on to me.  So perhaps I, just for once, wanted someone to tell him that - NO, he HAD to take some responsibility. That this time he had to admit that he fucked up and was not walking out of this break-up totally clean.

Now for all I know - this may have already happened, I doubt it - but who knows.  If it has happened or if someone does tell him, it isn't really my business, so I guess I will never know - but yeah.  That is what I wanted to write about tonight.  I hope this came across like I wanted it too - I don't want him to take 100% of the blame, I just want him to know that he is not free of the blame, that I am not 100% to blame, that part of our break up is his fault and that whether he admits to it or not, he has at least 50% of the blame, just like I do. 

Back to Work

Well after being away for work for about a month I was back today. It wasn't too bad.  My Boss wanted to ease me back into my job so for today and tomorrow I am not taking any calls I am just sitting with my coworkers and listening to calls, making sure I still know how the programs work and how to do the call flow and all that jazz.  So it is nice that I am not stressed and very nice that I am getting paid again, just odd to be fully at work again.  So yeah.

So now I am in a point in my life where I don't quite know where my life is headed.  I'm single and have no idea what I want to do with my life (and I define single as not married w/ no children - yes I have a boyfriend and he is awesome but that is necessarily going anywhere yet - hence the branding of "single") Last time I was in this boat I thought I wanted to go into heath care, now I am not so sure... That is a long road am I am not sure if it is for me.  I don't mind call centers, but which ones would I want to work in?  I thought I might want t work in a 911 call center but I am so sensitive that If I got a call from someone and I had to hear them murdered or raped over the phone I think it would really affect me.

So now I have to plan what I want to do with the plan of most likely being single with out children for the rest of my life... Lili (my oldest sister) wants me to move to Chicago to be closer to her and her children, which I would love, when I was suicidal the thought of not seeing my nieces and nephews grow up was the main thing that brought me back around.  Also the thought of them having to deal with my death also brought me back, I didn't want to put them through any pain.

So anyway - back to the main point - I am not sure which path to take, I think I should talk to GRCC about finishing my Associates degree since I know I am fairly close to getting that done.  Then... I don't know.  I still feel so lost.  I guess that is normal though.  I am trying not to push myself.  Still have a long way to go down this path...

Well I finally have my computer back so I can finally resume my posting.  So my therapy is going fairly well.  The main thing I have learned is when it comes to my ex, for some reason I blame myself 100% for the relationship not working.  Now I'll never know for sure why that relationship failed, because who knows why any relationship fails really, but the reason he game me for it failing was that he stopped loving me.  Now had he had come to me right away when he noticed a change in his feelings, we could have worked on things. If there were other reason he why wanted out of the relationship, again if he had been honest with me we, could have worked on them as well, but since he never told me, it seems lack of communication on his part was what actually kill our relationship, or his lack of desire to make the relationship work. Basically he just didn't care.  Now, even if he had cared and done all these things, we still might have failed, so we'll never know what the future might have held, but anyway - the moral of this post is - whatever might have happened, I need to stop blaming myself for everything..

Now every other relationship I have had I have never taken 100% of the blame when it ended.  I have been able to be rational enough to know that when there are 2 people in a relationship, be it a romantic relationship or just a friendship, it is never only one person's fault.  For some reason though, when it come to him, I always take 100% of the blame.  I just can't get past it.  When it come to him, I feel like it is my fault and no matter what I do I will never be good enough for him. I feel like if I had tired harder, if I had lost weight, if I had been prettier, if I had found a way to be the perfect girl he wanted to show off he would have wanted to stay with me.  Even just reading that makes me see how ridiculous it sounds, but that is how I feel. Even my shrink looked and me and was all "Really?"  And I was all - yeah...  I know - it is absurd. I have no idea why I let him effect me this way.  I feel so silly even typing this out - but like the title of this blog is - no more lies, and it would be a lie if I said anything else - so for this week it is my goal to accept that, this break up was NOT ALL MY FAULT - He didn't want to work on things.  He gave up.  He walked out on me.  Those are things I couldn't control.  There for, not my fault.

one on one - day one

Today was my first meeting with my new therapist for my one-on-one counseling.  It went really well.  She is very easy to talk to and I felt really relaxed and I could easily tell her the truth.  I didn't even think twice about setting up my next appointment. We started off talking about what brought me into Forestview: the break up, the feelings of hopelessness, the emptiness, how I saw no future for myself, and how even though I no longer wanted to take my own life I am still having a rough time emotionally. After I told her my story she said considering all I had been through I was doing remarkably well.  She did point out something to me I found very interesting:  she said that of course I felt lost - the past 2 years of my life had been all about someone else's life, I had done nothing to further my life at all.  She said even within a relationship, when the relationship moves forward both people move forward but in that relationship I was focusing on his life, and doing nothing with mine. It had been all about him and his needs.  So having lost everything I worked for with him, being removed from the life I had put every thing into, of course I would feel lost and hopeless.  I had never though of it that way before, but the way she said it made sense.  Ever since my ex proposed to me, and said he wanted us to start our life together, everything I did was so for us, and or for him. I stopped doing things I wanted to do for me (going to school, looking for new jobs) because we might have had to leave at any time for his career, and his future.  I stopped looking for and working on my wants/needs. I lost myself, so - duh - of course I felt lost and worthless when everything was taken away. 

So now is the time I have to start figuring out again what I want and need.  It is time to do the whole - since he and I are over with, and I am not going to have "that" future - what future do I want to have - and then start to plan for that.  So this week my homework is to keep track of my "self talk" the things I say to myself throughout the day.  I am sure there will be lots of repeats on this list , but I am going to do it.  So that is where I am today.  Didn't get a lot accomplished because I have a annoying cough and I want to be healthy so I have spent to majority of the day in bed resting in hopes of making said cough go away. 

So that is all for this post - see you guys next time. 

Curses

Missed a few days - Curses

Looks like I have a few days to make up for - well time to get started.

I actually ran into the ex.  It went alright.  Found out the future I help him work so hard for he lost.  Perhaps he didn't want it as much as he said he wanted it, or perhaps since he didn't have me to help him accomplish his goals he couldn't reach it.  I guess we will never know.

Either way - I was able to have a conversation with him - all be it a very short one - and I was proud of myself for not crying or running away. 

So this is my post for the moment, however short it may be - I will try to do a longer post this afternoon.

My side of the story - My Truth...

I am writing this out so that I always remember how it happened, and to explain how it happen to others.  I don’t want history to repeat itself, I never want these events to happen again.  So this is my story, it is not going to be easy to read and I apologize for that but I have made a promise to be honest about my feelings and not hide them because that is partly how I got into this mess in the first place.  So I am going to start at the beginning and not hold anything back.

This is the story of how and why I was admitted to Forestview – a psychiatric hospital.

My heart was broken on Christmas Eve.  The thing is, my heart didn’t just break that night, my whole world fell apart and I couldn’t see a reason to live anymore.   I felt like I had lost everything.  I had lost not only my best friend but the man who I was going to have a family with.   Our futures had become so intertwined that I could see a future without him any more – so like I said not only was my heart broken that night, but I died that night.  You might think I am being over dramatic in that statement, so let me explain:  

My ex and I had been best friends for almost 10 years.  We had dated for 2 years and then broken up for one year.  I barely survived that first break-up.  I was so in love with him and he started dating a girl the same weekend he broke up with me.  It broke my heart into a thousand pieces and for months I barely did anything other than cry.  When we started talking about getting back together again I told him straight out – Do not get back together with me unless you are sure I am “The One” for you, because I don’t think I could survive you rejecting me again.  He agreed and we didn’t get back together for another 6 months after that conversation, and at that time I was sure we never would.  Until one night when he returned from a family trip and he told me he wanted to join the Air Force. I told him I would miss him and he looked at me and said, you are coming with me.  I stared at him and said – I am? And he said:  Yes, I am not going anywhere in this world without you.  At this point we got back together.

He told me that once his paper work was accepted and he finished boot camp we would elope.  Then I would go with him where ever he was stationed and we could start our family.  I told him that with that plan I would have to stop my life in a sense.  I would have to stop going to school because we might leave at any time, and I would have to stop applying for government jobs as if I was hired I would have to quit very quickly and that would look bad on my resume.  He agreed saying he would make it up to me and promised me that he would be there for me and for “us” forever.  So my life stopped and everything I did from that point forward, for the next 18 months or so, was no long to improve my future rather it was for our future.  I helped him with all his military paperwork.  Either I helped him fill it out by giving answers or looking up phone numbers or just filling it out for him entirely.  I also drove him to appointments, made sure he met deadlines, and spent large amounts of money supporting him as he couldn’t find a job during this time.  I had no problems doing all these things and I never complained. I loved him and everything I was doing was for our family, because that is what he promised me.   I did all this and more.  Which is why you can see I was not exaggerating when I said I felt as if my life was over, he was my life.  I had made his future our future and now that was gone.  

I felt hopeless and worthless.  I felt all my emotions crash and burn, leaving a pile of ashes were my heart and soul used to be.  I did die that night.  I continued to walk and talk but I felt nothing.  I had nothing. I was completely alone and abandoned.

He was the love of my life, the man I wanted more than anything to be the father of my children and he just left after he promised he would be with me forever.  I couldn’t see a chance of ever having kids after that, and my childhood dream, was to be a mother. I had given him his dream and at the same time he took mine away.  I felt like I could never love anyone the way I loved him, I couldn’t go on.  I decided at that point I would kill myself; I just didn’t have a plan yet.

As the time passed I began to work on my plan trying to figure out where and how.  The first step of my plan was that I refused to take my life in my parent’s house so I needed to find a location. So I decided I would kill myself at a hotel.  I was going to wait until I had been at current job for 2 years so my life insurance policy would pay out to my parents.  I knew they would be upset at my death and that the money would help them.  Having made part of my plan set I figured I would leave the “how” until later.  Having a plan set into motion gave me some comfort.  I knew that the pain I was feeling would end, so that helped me to go on day by day – knowing there was a way out.  In fact, after reaching that decision, a lot of friends commented on how my mood had improved.  They went on about how proud they were of me for finally seeing the bright side of the break up and/or getting over it – I never told anyone of my plan because I didn’t want anyone to talk me out of it or be upset with my decision.  Also, part of me hoped in that 2 year time frame I would change my mind, and then no one would have to know that I was planning all of this.

Then there was a week at work where I started to have stomach pains.  It was very annoying and frustrating.  I didn’t know why I was in pain and that made me even more depressed because not only was I sad all the time I was now in physical pain on top of my emotional pain.  I just couldn’t face work, I couldn’t face anyone.   I was crying all the time and just massively depressed.  That was when I realized I could wait two years.  I knew I was going to slash my wrists or down a whole bottle of Vicodin because I was just done with this world.  I got very scared because I knew I was going to kill myself; this was no longer a passing thought to comfort me, it was a reality.  That is when I went to the doctor’s office and told them I was suicidal and needed help.  They instantly told me to go to Forestview, a psychiatric hospital.  Luckily I had 2 friends who forced me to go and be honest about how I was feeling.  So I checked myself in.  Once I was there I was terrified.  The realization of what I was about to do sank in and I cried for about 12 hours straight.  I saw the psychiatrist and we talked and he told me that my medications were all wrong for me, that the break-up triggered chemicals in my brain that threw off my system showing exactly how wrong the meds were for me.  He said once I had the correct medication I would still be sad over the break-up but I would no longer be suicidal.  He was right.  24 hours after on my new meds I felt normal again.  No longer feeling hopeless and I could see that there was a future again.  Still very depressed and very uncertain about the future, however, I no longer wanted to take my own life.

After 1 week as a full time patient at the hospital and another week just as a partial patient (I was there from 9 am – 3pm in group therapy sessions) I was released.  I am nowhere near healed; I still have a lot of work to do.  I am still afraid I will never have children, or find another partner I can love as I loved my ex, but I want to continue living.  I want to see where the path leads.  This is my story; my truth.  I am sorry if it was hard to read – but like I said – no more lies.

Hopeful

I found this picture online after my break-up.  It is what I hope to one day be able to say and mean it.  Now my ex wasn't all bad - but he did do something that were fairly cruel.  He told me he didn't find me attractive, told me that my breasts were too small ( I'm a 44DDD), and then would tell me about other women who he did find attractive.  He was sweet in his own way at time, he would tell me that he needed me, that he loved me, and no matter what he did or where he went he needed me in his life.  All that turned out to be untrue it seems as he broke my heart and then replaced me.  He hardly ever complimented me, which made the few times he did very special.

The worst part of this break-up is how he has completely removed me from his life and I miss him very much.  He was my best friend for approximately 10 years, and when someone is in your life for that amount of time it is hard to lose them that easily - well for me it is - for him, apperantly not.

So now I try to tell myself that I deserve better.  I have a new leading man in my life right now and he is wonderful.  He is sweet, attentive, showers me with compliments and is always willing to spend time with me.  He never says I am needy, or crazy, or overreacting.  It is very nice.  He and I are taking things very slow with our relationship because I don't trust my heart yet to be open again, and I think he feels the same.  But we do enjoy each other's company and things are going well, still though - my heart is still healing - no matter how nice my new boyfriend is I still will need more time to heal these wounds.  I am glad my new guy understands this.

My Defination of an Appology

"I'm sorry" I think is a phrase that is incorrectly often and not correctly often enough.  So here are my thoughts on when and how to appologize.

1. Do not say you are sorry when you intend to continue offensive the behavior.
     Example:  I was friends with this girl in high school.  Should would invite me over every weekend so when her boyfriend came over it wasn't a "date", it was just the 3 of us hanging out.  Every night I would end up watching TV while they made-out.  It was very annoying to me but not as annoying as her apology at the end of the night when I left to go home.  It was annoying because next week she would do the same thing - she WASN'T sorry, not even a little.  She put her needs first and our friendship second and that was her prerogative.  Lots of times people say they are sorry when they have no intention of stopping the activity and if that is you - don't apologize, it makes you look like a bigger jerk.

2. Do not apologize and then blame the other person.
    Example: Sorry I was late, but you didn't have to wait for me.  This is a total cop out apology.  It implies that their time is more important than the plans they had made with you.  This makes the other person feel belittled and unimportant.

3. If you hurt another person's feelings but do not think you did anything wrong - acknowledge that they are hurt and that you feel bad they are hurt but you don't feel your actions were wrong - don't be a jerk about it but discuss why they are so upset - there may be an underlying issue or perhaps you don't know the whole story.  Talk to other person and find out what is really wrong, do go instantly on the defensive and get angry that the other party is sad and blame them for being upset.

4.  Don't apologize for everything, but don't say you will never apologize.  Rule of thumb, never be rude.


Well that is all I have to say for this evening.  Any topics you guys would like me to cover?  Let me know.

Welcome and Warning

Hello to all and welcome to my newest blog. This blog is going to act as a therapy blog for me. That means I am going to be very honest with my postings here. If I am sad, I will say I am sad. If I am happy, I will say I am happy. Expect the unexpected and brutally honest feelings.  You have been warned.

Most of my posts will more than likely surround the feelings I am dealing with from my recent break-up. The very short version of that story is: I was engaged to the love of my life for over a year.  Total time we dated, around 4 years.  On Christmas Eve we were talking when he told me he didn't love me anymore and then he left. Since then I have not been coping well. I have been in the midst of a major depressive episode that I cannot get myself out of. I am seeing a therapist and doing everything I can to over come this blackness and despair, but it is taking a long time. I was inspired to write this blog because it is hard to constantly call my same friends over and over just to express the same feelings of depression. I know they love me and will help me but I feel bad only having the one issue I want to discuss. It is exhausting to help a friend who is depressed and I don't want to burn them out.  So this blog will be where I can voice my sadness, anger, and issues without fear of burning my friends out - because they can chose to read the posts or ignore them and either way I am able to express my emotions.  Win- Win.

Now, not every post will be an expression of my depression but I am sure at first most will.  Hang in with me through the pain (and bad editing skills) and I am sure I will have better posts up in no time.  I am also attempting to use this blog as a place to post short stories, in hope of writing them again.  Thanks for visiting, and I'll see you tomorrow.

Romance Novels and The Real World

I love the Black Dagger Brotherhood books. They are the perfect mix of smutty sex, epic fighting, and cheesy romance. However lately I am not enjoying them as much as I used to. Since having my heart tore out of my chest I am finding it hard to believe any romance lasts. All romances end. They either end because of death or because one or sometimes both of the people in said relationship give up. It seems to me I am often the one in the relationship who wants to work on things and the other party just gives up and moves on. I get thrown aside very easily it seems or just replaced. Only once I felt I was in a "romance" type relationship. I was madly in love with a man and he promised me the world. Said he wanted me, needed me, loved me... and then one day he didn't. He said he didn't love me any longer and didn't want me in his future. I was totally removed and the easily replaced. After that - romance novels are more painful than pleasurable to read. Yet why do I keep reading them then? I have no idea. Perhaps I hope I will feel that way again sometime, or perhaps it is just a form of emotional cutting that I am using to make sure I always feel back because I can't make relationships work, or rather I couldn't make THAT relationship work. Because that is really what this comes down to isn't it? That fact that I was madly in love with a man and he used me, lied to me, and then threw me away. It is very painful to be left behind. Even if the relationship wasn't right or wouldn't have worked, and who knows what would have happened if he had chosen to try to work on things instead of leaving - it is the knowledge that the one person you couldn't see your world continuing without is getting along perfectly fine without you. The knowledge that you were never special to them, or rather not special enough. I always wonder - If I was more like the women in the books: prettier, thinner, having been obsessed with my career first rather than my friends or wanting a family - perhaps then I would have been a more attractive partner; easier to keep around and not replace. However questions like these are futile as no one can answer them because the situation will never exist. I am what I am. I still want a family and see working as second. I try to lose weight but it never seems to work for me, and honestly nothing hurts so much as your lover rejecting you with the words: "I don't find you attractive" That is the worst feeling in the world. All of the "if only I..." Fill your head and the answer I give myself is always the same - it wouldn't have worked no matter what. And I have to say that, because any other answer hurts too much. Not sure where I want this rambling to go, but I have said what I needed to say for the day and I think that is good enough.