Rambling...

These days I am feeling pretty broken.  I can't seems to get things together.  I am thinking the change in my meds is a part of the problem.  I spent the day in bed today - one of my warning signs that I am falling back in to my deep depression again, but I can't seem to force myself to get up and moving.  I could have spent time today with my new boyfriend, he was going to come over before he went to work and I told him not to because I was too tired. I gave in to the depression.  I've been doing that a lot lately.  Just giving in. Giving up almost.  The blackness seems to get worst every day.  When I went to the hospital I felt hopeless. I felt like there was no way out. No future, nothing for me but the blackness.  I don't feel that way right now.  I still don't exactly see the future, but I know it is there.  I mean, I don't know what the future will hold necessarily, will I have kids, will I not, will I like my job, will I even have a job... I know that the Earth will keep moving and the stars will shine. Life will continue.  I know all this, I just don't quite know my place in all of it yet.

I'm 31.  I thought my life would be so different by now.  I thought by now I would be married and have kids, but, I don't.  Lots of my friends do, and I don't.  In fact the main thing I think I have learned in my 31 years on this planet is that you shouldn't make your life's dream something you cannot achieve alone.  My life's dream was to be a mother.  To have a family, to be a mom - all I ever wanted.  That is the hardest part of all of this right now, is the realization that the one thing I have wanted my whole life, will probably never happen.  The reason I say that is because I don't want to be one of those 40 year old women still holding out hope they may still have a baby and are desperate and just have sex with random men hoping to get pregnant.  I don't want to be desperate. I don't want to get into a relationship just to have a baby. If I do get into a serious relationship I want it to be because I am in love, and if we have kids I want it to be because we both want them, not because of desperation of anything like that.  The guy I am currently dating is a wonderful man.  He is very kind and sweet.  I don't know if I see things lasting long term, we have a few too many differences, but things right now are very good and he is helping deal with a lot of things and I hope I am helping him as well.  I honestly don't know If I am capable of long term relationships any more. 
well obviously - I posted about this already - so yeah - I think this is enough rambling for one night....  So goodnight all. <3

Name That Emotion

I've been on the verge of tears all day.  I have no idea why.  The way I describe my depression is it is like I am standing out side - the sun is shining and a wind is blowing but all I see is blackness.  I can feel the sun or the wind. I can only see the darkness coming in all around me.  That is how the past few days have been.  I don't know what is wrong. I feel very alone right now because I am not sure where I can turn. I have so many people who love me, but I have such a hard time knowing who to talk to.  Being friends with someone who suffers from depression is exhausting, and I don't want to wear down my friends by relying on them too much.

So today I have been trying to figure out why I am so sad.  I have tried all day to just figure out what is making me sad and I can't name it.  Which is making me more sad.  So I am just gonna go to bed.  Hopefully sleep and then speeding time with friends this weekend will pull me out of what ever emotional hole I have fallen into.

Trust

For the past few days I have been avoiding posting this - because I haven't been wanting to face these feelings... But the whole reason I started this blog was to face me feelings so - here we go.

I have trust issues

*well gee Aubrey, like 99.9% of adults have trust issues, why is this news that you have them too*

Well let me tell you a story,

When my ex and I got back together everything was about him.  We were working on getting him into the Air Force and I put my life on hold, I think I already covered this so we are going to skip to a conversation he and I had one night in his Grandmother's kitchen.  Said conversation started because I was acting very anxious.  He asked me why I was so anxious and I told him I didn't know. He basically said to look into his eyes and say the first thing that came to mind about why I was feeling so anxious, so I looked at him and said:  I'm afarid that after we do all of the work to get you into the Air Force you are going to break up with me and leave me behind.  Then he walk right infront of me, look into my eyes and said: "You have to trust me."  I began to cry. and he repeated several times, "You have to trust me"  and I did.  I push aside every fear and doubt and with my whole heart I trusted him.  After that night I never doubted that he would leave me. I knew we were going to be together and that he was never going to leave me.... until he did.  He broke his promise to me that he made that night when he told me to trust him. 

The side effect of this is now I am doubting a lot of other people too.  I don't want to do it nor do I mean to do it, but I am, and I hate it.  When I told my shrink this story she basically said - well no wonder you ended up in Forest view, you gave him your future and he promised to take of it and he threw it away.  He painted you this picture of everything and then gave you nothing and then made you feel like it was your fault his promises didn't come true.  And that is basically where I am now.  I have stopped blaming my self  100% for our relationship ending.  I know there were things I could have done differently, but there were things he needed to do as well, not all my fault.

So yeah, at the moment my ability to trust is way down, even on my friends who I have had for years.  It just hurts.  I am hoping to be able to over come this fast. 

missing...

Today I've realized I really miss being in love.  I don't so much miss the relationship I miss the feeling of being in love with someone.  That crazy, warm, safe, happy, butterflies all around... just love feeling you have when there is that special someone you can't get out of your heart and who is so deep under your skin. 

I miss feeling that deep connection with someone.  That feeling where you can almost read each other's minds.  Where you can both look at each other and just smirk and laugh about something that happened days, weeks, months, or even years ago.  I miss that connection.  The ability to laugh with someone, to cry, to do nothing. Now my new boyfriend is an amazing man.  He is very kind, and is always there for me.  He has held me while I cried and comforted me and made me laugh.  I really enjoy spending time with him, but we just don't have a deep connection yet and honestly with all the emotional scar tissue I have at the moment I am scared I will never be able to have that kind of connection again. 

So yeah - those are my thoughts for the day. Not sure exactly how to get past this issue. 

Vengence and anger

Today was rough.  I have been on the verge of tears all day and I couldn't figure out why.  I spent some time with one of my friends and he and I talked and I still couldn't figure it out.  Then I saw my new boyfriend and we went down to a park and sat and looked at a pond for a while and then I figured it out.  I have been carrying around a lot of anger and vengeful thoughts about my ex.  I have really been wanting him to hurt the way I have been hurting.  To me it seems he left our relationship pain free and I have just been so angry that I have been in so much pain while he has just gone on with his life.  Now, that is really unfair of me.  I have no now idea how he feels, I just can't imagine him being in an pain... because if he is feeling even a tenth of the pain I am in he never would have left me.  He would have wanted to work on things... but anyway - that is neither here nor there. 

So anyway - Once I realized how vengeful I was feeling I knew I really had to reevaluate some of my feelings, because when you are that angry at another person all you are doing is hurting yourself.  I want to forgive him, I really do.  Not for him, but for me.  I want to let go of all this anger and pain.  I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to just... let go.  All this pain and anger and regret, I just wish I wasn't in so much pain.  I have no idea.

The Blame Game

The other night I was talking to my new boyfriend and I was trying to explain to him something that I really can't explain...  I'll try to write it out here but I doubt it will make anymore sense on paper than it does in the spoken word or even in my head but here it goes.

I want someone to stand up for me to my ex.  I want someone to go to him and tell him in no uncertain terms that he acted like an asshole - that he used me, he mistreated me, he lead me on, he acted like a coward, and he gave up on our relationship. That even thought I wasn't perfect, that whatever I may have done wrong or however I may have failed in our relationship I deserved to be treated a hell of a lot better than he treated me. 

Now, do I think this will change anything - NO
Do I think he will believe the person who says these things - NO
Do I think this will make me feel better - NO

So why do I want this to happen? - I have no idea.

I just feel so beaten down by him.  I feel like such a victim.  I feel so used and abused emotionally by him right now.  So many of my friends are coming to me and saying:  he was such a jerk to you and you deserve better, but no one is telling him that - they are letting him off the hook without letting him know that HE was partially at fault - that HE did wrong too.  From what I heard though the grape vine basically people are telling him that it is ok to walk away because when "the spark" goes away (which is BULLSHIT! "the spark" waxes and wanes in all relationships - it takes work and communication and time together and then it comes back "the spark" was an excuse, and he just gave up and left and if we had talked about it and, you know, TRIED things would have worked.)

I guess this goes back to me blaming myself for everything, and I think I do that to a point because he never acting like he did anything wrong and never apologized or would admit guilt in anyway shape or form so I would just project it all on to me.  So perhaps I, just for once, wanted someone to tell him that - NO, he HAD to take some responsibility. That this time he had to admit that he fucked up and was not walking out of this break-up totally clean.

Now for all I know - this may have already happened, I doubt it - but who knows.  If it has happened or if someone does tell him, it isn't really my business, so I guess I will never know - but yeah.  That is what I wanted to write about tonight.  I hope this came across like I wanted it too - I don't want him to take 100% of the blame, I just want him to know that he is not free of the blame, that I am not 100% to blame, that part of our break up is his fault and that whether he admits to it or not, he has at least 50% of the blame, just like I do. 

Back to Work

Well after being away for work for about a month I was back today. It wasn't too bad.  My Boss wanted to ease me back into my job so for today and tomorrow I am not taking any calls I am just sitting with my coworkers and listening to calls, making sure I still know how the programs work and how to do the call flow and all that jazz.  So it is nice that I am not stressed and very nice that I am getting paid again, just odd to be fully at work again.  So yeah.

So now I am in a point in my life where I don't quite know where my life is headed.  I'm single and have no idea what I want to do with my life (and I define single as not married w/ no children - yes I have a boyfriend and he is awesome but that is necessarily going anywhere yet - hence the branding of "single") Last time I was in this boat I thought I wanted to go into heath care, now I am not so sure... That is a long road am I am not sure if it is for me.  I don't mind call centers, but which ones would I want to work in?  I thought I might want t work in a 911 call center but I am so sensitive that If I got a call from someone and I had to hear them murdered or raped over the phone I think it would really affect me.

So now I have to plan what I want to do with the plan of most likely being single with out children for the rest of my life... Lili (my oldest sister) wants me to move to Chicago to be closer to her and her children, which I would love, when I was suicidal the thought of not seeing my nieces and nephews grow up was the main thing that brought me back around.  Also the thought of them having to deal with my death also brought me back, I didn't want to put them through any pain.

So anyway - back to the main point - I am not sure which path to take, I think I should talk to GRCC about finishing my Associates degree since I know I am fairly close to getting that done.  Then... I don't know.  I still feel so lost.  I guess that is normal though.  I am trying not to push myself.  Still have a long way to go down this path...