missing...

Today I've realized I really miss being in love.  I don't so much miss the relationship I miss the feeling of being in love with someone.  That crazy, warm, safe, happy, butterflies all around... just love feeling you have when there is that special someone you can't get out of your heart and who is so deep under your skin. 

I miss feeling that deep connection with someone.  That feeling where you can almost read each other's minds.  Where you can both look at each other and just smirk and laugh about something that happened days, weeks, months, or even years ago.  I miss that connection.  The ability to laugh with someone, to cry, to do nothing. Now my new boyfriend is an amazing man.  He is very kind, and is always there for me.  He has held me while I cried and comforted me and made me laugh.  I really enjoy spending time with him, but we just don't have a deep connection yet and honestly with all the emotional scar tissue I have at the moment I am scared I will never be able to have that kind of connection again. 

So yeah - those are my thoughts for the day. Not sure exactly how to get past this issue. 

Vengence and anger

Today was rough.  I have been on the verge of tears all day and I couldn't figure out why.  I spent some time with one of my friends and he and I talked and I still couldn't figure it out.  Then I saw my new boyfriend and we went down to a park and sat and looked at a pond for a while and then I figured it out.  I have been carrying around a lot of anger and vengeful thoughts about my ex.  I have really been wanting him to hurt the way I have been hurting.  To me it seems he left our relationship pain free and I have just been so angry that I have been in so much pain while he has just gone on with his life.  Now, that is really unfair of me.  I have no now idea how he feels, I just can't imagine him being in an pain... because if he is feeling even a tenth of the pain I am in he never would have left me.  He would have wanted to work on things... but anyway - that is neither here nor there. 

So anyway - Once I realized how vengeful I was feeling I knew I really had to reevaluate some of my feelings, because when you are that angry at another person all you are doing is hurting yourself.  I want to forgive him, I really do.  Not for him, but for me.  I want to let go of all this anger and pain.  I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to just... let go.  All this pain and anger and regret, I just wish I wasn't in so much pain.  I have no idea.

The Blame Game

The other night I was talking to my new boyfriend and I was trying to explain to him something that I really can't explain...  I'll try to write it out here but I doubt it will make anymore sense on paper than it does in the spoken word or even in my head but here it goes.

I want someone to stand up for me to my ex.  I want someone to go to him and tell him in no uncertain terms that he acted like an asshole - that he used me, he mistreated me, he lead me on, he acted like a coward, and he gave up on our relationship. That even thought I wasn't perfect, that whatever I may have done wrong or however I may have failed in our relationship I deserved to be treated a hell of a lot better than he treated me. 

Now, do I think this will change anything - NO
Do I think he will believe the person who says these things - NO
Do I think this will make me feel better - NO

So why do I want this to happen? - I have no idea.

I just feel so beaten down by him.  I feel like such a victim.  I feel so used and abused emotionally by him right now.  So many of my friends are coming to me and saying:  he was such a jerk to you and you deserve better, but no one is telling him that - they are letting him off the hook without letting him know that HE was partially at fault - that HE did wrong too.  From what I heard though the grape vine basically people are telling him that it is ok to walk away because when "the spark" goes away (which is BULLSHIT! "the spark" waxes and wanes in all relationships - it takes work and communication and time together and then it comes back "the spark" was an excuse, and he just gave up and left and if we had talked about it and, you know, TRIED things would have worked.)

I guess this goes back to me blaming myself for everything, and I think I do that to a point because he never acting like he did anything wrong and never apologized or would admit guilt in anyway shape or form so I would just project it all on to me.  So perhaps I, just for once, wanted someone to tell him that - NO, he HAD to take some responsibility. That this time he had to admit that he fucked up and was not walking out of this break-up totally clean.

Now for all I know - this may have already happened, I doubt it - but who knows.  If it has happened or if someone does tell him, it isn't really my business, so I guess I will never know - but yeah.  That is what I wanted to write about tonight.  I hope this came across like I wanted it too - I don't want him to take 100% of the blame, I just want him to know that he is not free of the blame, that I am not 100% to blame, that part of our break up is his fault and that whether he admits to it or not, he has at least 50% of the blame, just like I do. 

Back to Work

Well after being away for work for about a month I was back today. It wasn't too bad.  My Boss wanted to ease me back into my job so for today and tomorrow I am not taking any calls I am just sitting with my coworkers and listening to calls, making sure I still know how the programs work and how to do the call flow and all that jazz.  So it is nice that I am not stressed and very nice that I am getting paid again, just odd to be fully at work again.  So yeah.

So now I am in a point in my life where I don't quite know where my life is headed.  I'm single and have no idea what I want to do with my life (and I define single as not married w/ no children - yes I have a boyfriend and he is awesome but that is necessarily going anywhere yet - hence the branding of "single") Last time I was in this boat I thought I wanted to go into heath care, now I am not so sure... That is a long road am I am not sure if it is for me.  I don't mind call centers, but which ones would I want to work in?  I thought I might want t work in a 911 call center but I am so sensitive that If I got a call from someone and I had to hear them murdered or raped over the phone I think it would really affect me.

So now I have to plan what I want to do with the plan of most likely being single with out children for the rest of my life... Lili (my oldest sister) wants me to move to Chicago to be closer to her and her children, which I would love, when I was suicidal the thought of not seeing my nieces and nephews grow up was the main thing that brought me back around.  Also the thought of them having to deal with my death also brought me back, I didn't want to put them through any pain.

So anyway - back to the main point - I am not sure which path to take, I think I should talk to GRCC about finishing my Associates degree since I know I am fairly close to getting that done.  Then... I don't know.  I still feel so lost.  I guess that is normal though.  I am trying not to push myself.  Still have a long way to go down this path...

Well I finally have my computer back so I can finally resume my posting.  So my therapy is going fairly well.  The main thing I have learned is when it comes to my ex, for some reason I blame myself 100% for the relationship not working.  Now I'll never know for sure why that relationship failed, because who knows why any relationship fails really, but the reason he game me for it failing was that he stopped loving me.  Now had he had come to me right away when he noticed a change in his feelings, we could have worked on things. If there were other reason he why wanted out of the relationship, again if he had been honest with me we, could have worked on them as well, but since he never told me, it seems lack of communication on his part was what actually kill our relationship, or his lack of desire to make the relationship work. Basically he just didn't care.  Now, even if he had cared and done all these things, we still might have failed, so we'll never know what the future might have held, but anyway - the moral of this post is - whatever might have happened, I need to stop blaming myself for everything..

Now every other relationship I have had I have never taken 100% of the blame when it ended.  I have been able to be rational enough to know that when there are 2 people in a relationship, be it a romantic relationship or just a friendship, it is never only one person's fault.  For some reason though, when it come to him, I always take 100% of the blame.  I just can't get past it.  When it come to him, I feel like it is my fault and no matter what I do I will never be good enough for him. I feel like if I had tired harder, if I had lost weight, if I had been prettier, if I had found a way to be the perfect girl he wanted to show off he would have wanted to stay with me.  Even just reading that makes me see how ridiculous it sounds, but that is how I feel. Even my shrink looked and me and was all "Really?"  And I was all - yeah...  I know - it is absurd. I have no idea why I let him effect me this way.  I feel so silly even typing this out - but like the title of this blog is - no more lies, and it would be a lie if I said anything else - so for this week it is my goal to accept that, this break up was NOT ALL MY FAULT - He didn't want to work on things.  He gave up.  He walked out on me.  Those are things I couldn't control.  There for, not my fault.

one on one - day one

Today was my first meeting with my new therapist for my one-on-one counseling.  It went really well.  She is very easy to talk to and I felt really relaxed and I could easily tell her the truth.  I didn't even think twice about setting up my next appointment. We started off talking about what brought me into Forestview: the break up, the feelings of hopelessness, the emptiness, how I saw no future for myself, and how even though I no longer wanted to take my own life I am still having a rough time emotionally. After I told her my story she said considering all I had been through I was doing remarkably well.  She did point out something to me I found very interesting:  she said that of course I felt lost - the past 2 years of my life had been all about someone else's life, I had done nothing to further my life at all.  She said even within a relationship, when the relationship moves forward both people move forward but in that relationship I was focusing on his life, and doing nothing with mine. It had been all about him and his needs.  So having lost everything I worked for with him, being removed from the life I had put every thing into, of course I would feel lost and hopeless.  I had never though of it that way before, but the way she said it made sense.  Ever since my ex proposed to me, and said he wanted us to start our life together, everything I did was so for us, and or for him. I stopped doing things I wanted to do for me (going to school, looking for new jobs) because we might have had to leave at any time for his career, and his future.  I stopped looking for and working on my wants/needs. I lost myself, so - duh - of course I felt lost and worthless when everything was taken away. 

So now is the time I have to start figuring out again what I want and need.  It is time to do the whole - since he and I are over with, and I am not going to have "that" future - what future do I want to have - and then start to plan for that.  So this week my homework is to keep track of my "self talk" the things I say to myself throughout the day.  I am sure there will be lots of repeats on this list , but I am going to do it.  So that is where I am today.  Didn't get a lot accomplished because I have a annoying cough and I want to be healthy so I have spent to majority of the day in bed resting in hopes of making said cough go away. 

So that is all for this post - see you guys next time. 

Curses

Missed a few days - Curses

Looks like I have a few days to make up for - well time to get started.

I actually ran into the ex.  It went alright.  Found out the future I help him work so hard for he lost.  Perhaps he didn't want it as much as he said he wanted it, or perhaps since he didn't have me to help him accomplish his goals he couldn't reach it.  I guess we will never know.

Either way - I was able to have a conversation with him - all be it a very short one - and I was proud of myself for not crying or running away. 

So this is my post for the moment, however short it may be - I will try to do a longer post this afternoon.