Catching up

Well I have fallen WAY behind in my blogging - that is bad because this is supposed to be helping with my therapy and good because I have been feeling better so I haven't felt the need to be blogging -

Anyway though...

So I'm still working and it is going fairly well, I've had a few emotional break downs at work and I think my supervisor is getting annoyed with me. I mean I'm not having emotional break downs where I'm crying or hysterical for no reason or anything, but I have had a few mini meltdowns were I was emotional or upset - but they were for good reasons and I just don't think he understood.  He never lets me explain and he doesn't quite understand.  For example we were discussing QA (quality assurance). Now when QA goes over your work they judge you on a scale that basically goes like this:

Exceeds
Meets
Needs Improvement
Poor

Now everyone wants to get an "Exceeds" score because that means you are doing really well and are more likely to get raises/promotions/all that good stuff - but QA makes it IMPOSSIBLE to get an "Exceeds" and so most everyone will either get a "meets" or "needs improvements" which is OK - that is what the expect you to get and you don't get in trouble for that - unless you get "needs improvement " all the time - then you get in trouble.  So I was expressing my frustration with that set up, and he said that "Exceeds" was something to Strive for.  that we can always improve and blah blah blah.  He had no idea what I was saying... it was very annoying and he said I was taking things way too personal.  I wasn't taking it personal. I was annoyed by how they skew they results - he didn't get it. 

Anyway though - well emotionally I've been doing pretty well.  I hung out with my friend Gerrit tonight who is a great guy.  He has been very supportive of me and gave a a great saying for those days when I feeling really down - If you can't believe in yourself, believe in those you believe in you.  Which is very true. We had some food and talked and as he is still friends with my ex we did discuss him briefly which made me a bit emotional, but it was a good conversation.  It was a good talk.  I'm doing ok now that I am home - it was a good talk, just a little hard to hear because once again we reached the point that we both agreed on that my ex did give up on our relationship.  That when he noticed his feelings were changing he did, conscientiously or not, chose to not talk to me/or work on the change of emotions - therefore he did "give up" on the relationship because he let his emotions go away.  Had he at least made some kind of effort - even if the outcome (breaking up) remained the same, the effort to at least trying would have been something.  Instead he did nothing and by doing so the betrayal was so much deeper and hurt all the more because, to me that says that I was not worth the effort.

Anyway - so yeah - as Gerrit and I decided at the end of our conversation - the moral of the story is - whatever reasons my ex had - it doesn't really matter, because it is over. So whatever reasons he had for either not saying anything, for not trying, for thinking he tired, or for perhaps just being a lying bastard who broke my heart - at this point, doesn't matter.

So tonight I am going to watch Firefly and do laundry so I will have clean clothes for work.  Good night all.

Feelings

This picture is how I feel now.  I hope this will not always be true.  I want to prove this picture wrong one day.

Things have been looking up these past few days.  I have been trying to be up and about more.  Been talking to my mom more (Hi Mom!) Really forcing myself to get up. I saw my friend today who just had a baby.  She is doing really well and her baby is very sweet.  He is very laid back which is good.  She had a very rough pregnancy so she is luck to have a good baby.  I am still very jealous of her.  I wish I was in a loving marriage with a baby, but that isn't what is in the cards for me at this time in my life.  Hopefully it will be sometime, but if not - that is ok.  I am a great Aunt and a great friend and if that is all the Lord has planned for me then that is more than a lot of people get.  I am going to try to count my blessings more. 

Tonight I went to a friend of mines birthday party.  I felt very old.  Most of the people there were under 25 and so they thought I was under 25 too.  I felt very old, but then I realized I liked being old because man were they YOUNG... and very unfamiliar with the world.  I had to bail early because I was enjoying my friend and his boyfriend but I just couldn't stand to other guests.  So young and just... annoying. 

To end this blog... I'm missing my ex tonight, not in the capacity of my lover, I miss my friend.  I always miss him as my friend more than my significant other... Because I loved him, and I loved having him as my significant other but I loved having him as my best friend first. I really dislike not having him as my friend.  That is what is so hard, losing your friend.

Selfishness

I have a friend, used to be my very best friend, who is moving into a new phase in her life.  I am very happy for her.  Yet I am also very sad for myself.  I am jealous that I am not in that phase of life myself. I am sad that I can't support her in this part of her life at all, because she hasn't asked me too or even invited me to be a spectator.  Meaning, I am just on the fringes.  I'm a friend on Facebook who can see the pictures she posts but isn't in any of them.  I'm not in her life right now and I don't think she cares, which is fine.  I'm the last thing she should care about right now.  HUGE life event in her world right now, my feelings should be the least of her worries, it just sucks that I can't be apart of said huge life event.  It sucks that I am getting push to side.  I wish I could be there for her.  Helping her or supporting her or anything really...  I'm just tired of feeling like an outsider waiting to get invited back.   I may never get invited back, and that is OK.  Or once things settle down, things will be like they were before, not exactly like they were before obviously since there is now a life changing event that has happened, but at least some semblance of how things used to be.  I just miss my friends.

Homework for this week...

So I saw my shrink today, it went well, another good session.  We once again went over the fact that I'm still really unsure about my future.  I mean I had my future totally planed out with my ex. He had painted this whole future for us, and I thought it was set in stone.  He told me we were going to be together, couldn't go anywhere without be, needed me, loved me, all that jazz - which turned out to either be lies or just promises he couldn't/wouldn't keep.  In the end, that future I was so sure of, was lost.  So at the moment, I am very lost.  Wandering in the woods so to speaking trying to find my own path because the one I was walking on with him suddenly went up in flames and he left.  I'm not particularity scared to be on my own or to find the path on my own, I'm still sad at the loss of the future I wanted with him.  I always wanted to marry my best friend, have children, and raise a family - but now it seems those things are not in the cards for me.  Again - those things might still happen.... and man I write about this in like every post don't I.

So yeah. that is something I can't stop thinking about, and I need to.  Well my homework this week is to try to figure out what I want to do with myself, figure out what kind of future I want to make for myself. So I have always wanted to help people, I'm not sure what career path I want to take, I don't mind call centers, I like customer service, and I have no problem working with people face to face either... but I am not sure what I want to do.  I think I would like to work in a government type position, good benefits, job security, and those departments are actually help people.  

So - that is what I am trying to focus on this week.  We shall see how it goes.

Rambling...

These days I am feeling pretty broken.  I can't seems to get things together.  I am thinking the change in my meds is a part of the problem.  I spent the day in bed today - one of my warning signs that I am falling back in to my deep depression again, but I can't seem to force myself to get up and moving.  I could have spent time today with my new boyfriend, he was going to come over before he went to work and I told him not to because I was too tired. I gave in to the depression.  I've been doing that a lot lately.  Just giving in. Giving up almost.  The blackness seems to get worst every day.  When I went to the hospital I felt hopeless. I felt like there was no way out. No future, nothing for me but the blackness.  I don't feel that way right now.  I still don't exactly see the future, but I know it is there.  I mean, I don't know what the future will hold necessarily, will I have kids, will I not, will I like my job, will I even have a job... I know that the Earth will keep moving and the stars will shine. Life will continue.  I know all this, I just don't quite know my place in all of it yet.

I'm 31.  I thought my life would be so different by now.  I thought by now I would be married and have kids, but, I don't.  Lots of my friends do, and I don't.  In fact the main thing I think I have learned in my 31 years on this planet is that you shouldn't make your life's dream something you cannot achieve alone.  My life's dream was to be a mother.  To have a family, to be a mom - all I ever wanted.  That is the hardest part of all of this right now, is the realization that the one thing I have wanted my whole life, will probably never happen.  The reason I say that is because I don't want to be one of those 40 year old women still holding out hope they may still have a baby and are desperate and just have sex with random men hoping to get pregnant.  I don't want to be desperate. I don't want to get into a relationship just to have a baby. If I do get into a serious relationship I want it to be because I am in love, and if we have kids I want it to be because we both want them, not because of desperation of anything like that.  The guy I am currently dating is a wonderful man.  He is very kind and sweet.  I don't know if I see things lasting long term, we have a few too many differences, but things right now are very good and he is helping deal with a lot of things and I hope I am helping him as well.  I honestly don't know If I am capable of long term relationships any more. 
well obviously - I posted about this already - so yeah - I think this is enough rambling for one night....  So goodnight all. <3

Name That Emotion

I've been on the verge of tears all day.  I have no idea why.  The way I describe my depression is it is like I am standing out side - the sun is shining and a wind is blowing but all I see is blackness.  I can feel the sun or the wind. I can only see the darkness coming in all around me.  That is how the past few days have been.  I don't know what is wrong. I feel very alone right now because I am not sure where I can turn. I have so many people who love me, but I have such a hard time knowing who to talk to.  Being friends with someone who suffers from depression is exhausting, and I don't want to wear down my friends by relying on them too much.

So today I have been trying to figure out why I am so sad.  I have tried all day to just figure out what is making me sad and I can't name it.  Which is making me more sad.  So I am just gonna go to bed.  Hopefully sleep and then speeding time with friends this weekend will pull me out of what ever emotional hole I have fallen into.

Trust

For the past few days I have been avoiding posting this - because I haven't been wanting to face these feelings... But the whole reason I started this blog was to face me feelings so - here we go.

I have trust issues

*well gee Aubrey, like 99.9% of adults have trust issues, why is this news that you have them too*

Well let me tell you a story,

When my ex and I got back together everything was about him.  We were working on getting him into the Air Force and I put my life on hold, I think I already covered this so we are going to skip to a conversation he and I had one night in his Grandmother's kitchen.  Said conversation started because I was acting very anxious.  He asked me why I was so anxious and I told him I didn't know. He basically said to look into his eyes and say the first thing that came to mind about why I was feeling so anxious, so I looked at him and said:  I'm afarid that after we do all of the work to get you into the Air Force you are going to break up with me and leave me behind.  Then he walk right infront of me, look into my eyes and said: "You have to trust me."  I began to cry. and he repeated several times, "You have to trust me"  and I did.  I push aside every fear and doubt and with my whole heart I trusted him.  After that night I never doubted that he would leave me. I knew we were going to be together and that he was never going to leave me.... until he did.  He broke his promise to me that he made that night when he told me to trust him. 

The side effect of this is now I am doubting a lot of other people too.  I don't want to do it nor do I mean to do it, but I am, and I hate it.  When I told my shrink this story she basically said - well no wonder you ended up in Forest view, you gave him your future and he promised to take of it and he threw it away.  He painted you this picture of everything and then gave you nothing and then made you feel like it was your fault his promises didn't come true.  And that is basically where I am now.  I have stopped blaming my self  100% for our relationship ending.  I know there were things I could have done differently, but there were things he needed to do as well, not all my fault.

So yeah, at the moment my ability to trust is way down, even on my friends who I have had for years.  It just hurts.  I am hoping to be able to over come this fast.